Green acres is the place to be

Farm living is the life for me

Land spreading out, so far and wide

Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

Or so I thought. Here are some first hand tips on working on a farm in a tropical climate.

Always use mosquito repellent. Some places are so bad that it feels like only slathering on DDT will do the trick. Ditto sunblock.

Working with a machete to chop grass, brush or trees is not for the faint hearted. Or fat, out of shape middle aged gringo office workers like me. Essentially it is stoop work. Ain't no lawn mowers here! Try mowing the lawn the size of a football field with a machete in the blazing sun.

Occasionally, a marijuana bush sprouts up out of nowhere. Really. Hmmm...

Pets are luxury items. Animals are either food or beasts of burden.

If you go to pet a female sheep, make sure the male is not around. Even though they're small and easy to push off with one hand, the male will keep attempting to head butt you until he is corralled or your are flat on your ass.

Don't tread on anthills. It's a million of them versus one of you, and they will defend the colony. Just one bite from those itty bitty pincers hurts. And by the way, there are anthills about every 20 square feet in the country. House ants don't bother people directly, but they always seem to make it into cereal bags.

Do not under any circumstances chop down a tree that has a wasp nest (like I did). The resulting vibrations will cause them to assume that they are under attack and they will respond in kind by stinging you in the face, specifically around the eyes. Imagine having multiple thumbtacks jabbed into your face at once.

What are considered quaint, cute or domesticated in the States are often pests in real life. Opossums, those animals from Southern literature that hang from trees and play dead when confronted, are actually vile, putrid smelling creatures that kill chickens. Cats, though less frequent, are even more destructive because they kill for sport. Opossums, snakes, cats and other pests are all whacked with a machete on sight. Ironically, from a city dwelling perspective, bugs like hairy tarantulas are ok and pretty cool to watch.

Cows have the right of way. When passing cows on the road, pass behind their rear ends. Cows occasionally lurch forward but rarely step backwards.

I don't regret my decision to become a rural farmer. It's just harder than I thought.